Talking Bollocks #4 – The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste

If you suffer from depression, suicidal thoughts or anything along those lines and will be potentially triggered by detailed and personal shit on the matter, then proceed with caution. Likewise if you want something music related, you may want to skip past this post.

This week I have consumed way too much caffeine, I don’t know how I have slept 5 hours a night. I am just getting into therapy and still waiting for my medication to actually maybe do something before I either get an increased dose or tried on something else. I never acknowledged the fact that I was depressed for at least a decade, let alone the fact that I could actually be helped, but here we are. I still don’t know what to expect from this, or what I’m about to write, but you gotta try sometimes.

I am currently trying CBT. My therapy task for this week was to get ease myself back into writing reviews again (only a temporary lapse this time) by just listening to a few songs. I went through and replied to a few e-mails from the beautiful surroundings of South Wales, re-listened to what was supposed to be my next review and half wrote something before losing momentum. More than I was supposed to do so I’ll take it. I figured I would at least spew out some personal shit for someone to maybe read, following some surprising support upon my public announcement last week.

Depression and suicide are a strange ground. I for one never differentiated the difference between the two and just put my lack of energy and motivation to work stress. I tried to get signed off to get a break from it but to no avail. Instead I wound up on a shit journey of a year to accept my real problems, something that I have barely got my fingers into. I put a lot of my personality into my music, and wrote a lot about my self-destructive nature, but still remained oblivious and kept a lot hidden.

The thing is, most people really don’t understand depression or suicide. They think sharing a phone number for a hotline will help. It really fucking doesn’t. If you’re depressed, you’re most likely to suffer a lot of anxiety with it. My social anxiety on top of that… well. I’ve written songs about how people think suicide is selfish. Trust me, once you can’t even cope with living in your own head, the last thing you think about is other people, no matter how close they are. I failed suicide once, and have planned numerous ways to make sure I don’t fail next time. Hence, I’m considered high risk and got a therapist in less than two weeks. Funsies.

My social anxieties are something else. I don’t see the world the way other people do. I am hard wired straight edge. I only acknowledged this recently too. I don’t drink for disliking the taste, effects and pretty much everything about it. I don’t smoke or do drugs (tried at college, did nothing for me (that said, I have this last couple of weeks given into the taste of death and chain smoking while I write this but shhh)) and I can’t process the thought of having “casual sex” with anyone. I’m all about the commitment. I can’t manage multiple close relationships with people, I can at most manage talking to two people daily, but even then I struggle. I don’t fit in well, and have to really push myself to do anything that I would perceive people to judge me for, like going to the gym or even washing my fucking car. I don’t even posses the ability to strike up conversations with people I don’t know well. Life sucks. I’m not surprised I hate myself so much.

I don’t know where I’m going at this point. I’ve lost positivity for the help I’m receiving. I know there are millions of people worse off than I am. I’m not in debt, have a stable enough job, I have people who love me, but I just can’t be happy. Music was the one tool I had to fight through life but having lost the motivation to do that for so long is slowly killing me. The Cauteriser feels like the last thing I am clinging on to at this point. Knowing I can do something that small artists like myself appreciate so much does a lot for me, which is why I don’t want to let this go. Also my tablet is about to die and I can’t be arsed to go back inside and charge it up.

Depression is a lot more common than most people realise. I could be worse but I could be better. I hope. Guess I’ll just see where I am next week.

Jake Hancke – 07/06/2018

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